With reckless abandon-ment

I am trying to build a community where we not only share fashion looks and opinions, I mean cause I love a good look, but also share our emotional growth. It's hard to take a good look at ourselves and admit where we have messed up, take accountability for our own mistakes, and try to grow. I hope that with each of my blogs you not only learn something about me, but also yourself.

I have abandonment issues. I say this all the time but only recently have I come to terms with what that means and how I can work to fix them. I recently read an article that referenced the causes for abandonment issues and how to come to terms. 

Article can be found here:  https://www.xonecole.com/how-to-overcome-abandonment-issues/

The article states: "That our souls come on this earth carrying at least one of the five wounds. Depending on which they suffer from, the right lives will be assigned to them. By the right lives, I mean human experiences that will expose our souls to situations that will awaken and trigger the wounds with the intent to heal them. Where it gets tricky is that a soul may not have enough of one human experience to heal. Therefore, it carries its wounds to the next life, and the next life, and the next life until they are taken care of properly, with love and acceptance." Truth time: I am wounded and I have been for a long time. I dated toxic men. I had one-sided  relationships for years and that probably stem from me having absent parents. As a result of my childhood, I have emotional triggers, separation anxiety, and abandonment issues. In exploring my past, I have learned that I allowed the people closest to me to continually hurt me; by chasing and accepting unavailable people into my life is how I self-sabotage. In that ability to recognize this issue, I am learning to release the resentment I harbored towards these individuals and really allow myself to heal. 

One of the first lines of the article states: "The time it took for me to be able to accept such a fact about myself is almost as long as my existence—although I must say that I discovered at a young age that abrupt separation, no matter who it involves or what the circumstances are, is an extremely painful emotional trigger for me. "WOW did this resonate with me. My story starts with the fact that I am the product of two people who should have never met, let alone had a kid together. Where did that leave me? Alone.  I’m not saying I wish I was never born because if I wasn’t here who would be that outgoing light of your life that provides you with answers or questions you never thought of. However, I often have those butterfly effect thoughts, that if they hadn’t met that summer day, what chain reaction would that start that changes the course of their lives.  If my dad never drove down my street and saw my mom sitting on her porch? What if his friend that was driving never stopped and let him get out of the car? Would they still be my parents? Would my parents both still be here?

The article goes on to reference the book: "Heal your wounds and find your true self, where Lise Bourbeau writes that indeed, the wound of abandonment is awakened in a child between ages of one and three by the parent of the opposite sex as a result of lack of parental support and emotional attention. "you feel lost as it relates to you knowing who you are, which fuels the abandonment issues." My issues not only stem from the absence of them in my life but the severe ways in which they left. My mother committed suicide when I was 4 or 5 years old and I never knew my father as much more than the delivery person. He would drop off handmade toys on random occasions and it wasn't until much older, right before my grandmother passed actually, that she let me know they were from him. When I lost my parents, and my grandmother a few years later it felt like my world ended.

The author of the book then broke down the process of coming to terms with your abandonment issues into three steps: 1. Identify Your Triggers, 2. Identify Self-Sabotaging Patterns, 3. Break The Cycle. Abrupt separation, manipulative lying, the back and forth games of dating are emotional triggers for me. As a result, I sought out men who would give me gifts or support me financially, lie to my about their whereabouts, but not actually show up for me.  I would attempt to justify their absences and lies just to maintain the relationship. It wasn't until much later in life (see: a few years ago) I realized the drastic lengths I went to keep people around. (see: lying to myself and agreeing to polyamory).  I also equally would push people away so I wouldn't have to love them. (see: cat and mouse games) I would give a little to a man who liked me and then snatch it away leaving the poor guy confused.  In order break the pattern in a parental or romantic relationship, my inner child will need someone who is going to be forthcoming about what they want and need, someone who isn't with me just for superficial reasons, and who will actually show up for me  not just monetarily or when it is convenient. I started these toxic patterns long ago, in fact I can trace my abandonment triggers and self-sabotaging patterns back to my first serious relationship. 

My first serious relationship ended because I learned that he cheated on me early on and had lied to me for years about it, and I couldn't get over it. Lying really changes how a person loves, trusts, and moves through life.  I was comfortable in our little world and I didn't know how to function once that world had cracks and splinters in it.  He asked me to marry him, but I know he didn't mean it, he just didn't want me to leave. To his friends, he was this amazing person, he is funny, outgoing, always buying gifts, throwing parties, showing love for those closest to him, but to me he was a liar and a cheat. I faked still loving him for 2 years after I found out because I was hoping to recapture what we once had. I thought just going through the motions would make me feel something, but all I felt was numb. Despite how we appeared, he became emotionally unavailable, and I was resentful. As much as he said he wanted an us, as much as we both wanted an us, this wasn't it. His inner child needed some work and mine did too. The article says "Moreover, I'm learning that the end of a relationship doesn't have to feel like the world is ending. Some people aren't meant to stay in our lives forever—that's OK. If it's tempting to fight and beg for them to stay, sometimes the best we can do is just to cling to the good memories that we share and understand that those we love are free to continue walking their own path on their own terms. Their decision to part ways with us doesn't mean that we aren't worthy of love. Quite the contrary, I like to think that it means that a better love is coming."

Have I found better love? Not yet, but I have gotten closer. Bits and pieces have fed me and kept me on the path to finding the "lid to my pot." Most recently, I dated a guy long distance one and off for a year and I found myself bending in ways I didn't want, just to not be single. I had to shake it off. Like girl, this lid does not fit and that's okay. Stop trying to make it happen. I left the Chicago men to their own devices, as dating in that city can be triggering enough. I am learning to be okay being alone, and this pandemic has been a crash course in solitary love. Silence and peace is golden, just me, myself, and I being a whole me without needing a better half. The article goes on to say, "I figured out that by mothering my inner child spiritually and physically by speaking life into her, respecting her boundaries, avoiding putting her in situations that could result in heartbreaks, patting her on the back when she needs a little support, holding her hand at night when she needs to feel loved, pampering her when she doesn't like the reflection she sees in the mirror—doing all of this instead of navigating life from a place of loss and void is how I engage in healthy behaviors." I'm still a work in progress, though.