Not the right kind of black girl.

A response to the Huffington Post article... "I'm exhausted from trying to be the 'Right' Kind of Black girl at work."

I read a Huffington Post article entitled "I'm exhausted from trying to be the 'Right' Kind of Black girl at work. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/codeswitching-while-black-at-work_n_5aa2b7dce4b07047bec60c5c?utm_campaign=hp_fb_pages&utm_medium=facebook&ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000047&utm_source=bv_fb&fbclid=IwAR3BydHScexIUNT18_ONZc68Numem3wWZBp3BrqIt-7QgFcAYu6tVm9MxUU

And it spoke volumes. When I tell you this girl and I have lived parallel lives. I realized I might never be the right kind of black girl.

I went to all black schools until high school. I had my first exposure to kinds of different races, the summer between 6th and 7th grade, at summer camp. I wore my hair in a big afro with my baby doll dresses and platform sandals  and I was met with stares. I was young and I didn't much care what kids thought of me. It wasn't until highschool, that I developed a complex. 

In high school, the white and black kids alike made fun of my fluffy hair, my diction, and my style of dress. I liked math problems and talking about new books I was reading in my spare time. I was sooooo different. I over annunciated my words because my mom was an English teacher who insisted on proper diction and black kids would constantly ask me where I was from. So I begged my mom for Abercrombie and Gap, I tried to change my diction just so I could fit in.  

I went from this outgoing child to this shy teen because I didn't know if who I was would be accepted. I changed everything. I straightened my hair, I tried to speak with more of a black-cent, I bought the clothes my white counterparts had. And guess what, nothing changed. In college, it was more of the same. I went to PWI (predominately white institution) and white and black kids alike found me strange. I wasn't black enough to hang out with the black kids, and I wasn't white enough to hang out with the white kids. I was a loner for the most part, not because it was cool to be different, just because no one knew me. 

I acted like what was expected of me depending on the crowd I was in. I was the overly annunciated, math loving nerd for mom, and I was the down ass black girl from Woodlawn with the black people, and I was the easily digestible black girl around the white people. I settled into this mask I would wear just to get through the day. I did this for years, to the point I didn't even know what I actually liked or who I was. I saw the movie Runaway bride and it changed my life, but it was years before I would learn the lesson. 

Runaway bride is a Julia Robert's movie about this woman who has been engaged multiple times (See: 4 engagements for me) who when it gets close to the time of marrying the man she literally runs. She realizes they don't know her at all, but only the character she pretends to be to get them to like her. She isn't doing it on purpose, she just never took the time to know herself. People in town love to laugh at her misfortunes, even her family makes bets about when she will run. When I tell you this movie is about me. The scene that got me the most was she didn't even know how she liked her eggs, she always ordered her eggs like the person she was dating. I realized I did that. I got scrambled with my mom, I got eggs and corned beef hash because my ex loved it, I got over hard because another ex loved it. Fuck, how did I like my eggs?!?

I had been in survival mode for so long I didn't realize what I liked and wanted. I had always been what was expected of me for the most part  and because of that what did I expect from myself? I wasn't fully exercised from my mask until my 13th year in Corporate America and I finally broke. Pieces of me would come out over the years until I finally emerged in the year of our lord 2021. I remember the small rebellions: telling an ex I thought his dreams of playing video games full-time were stupid, changing up my wardrobe choices, cutting my long straight hair, going natural, leaving accounting, not fully code switching, and they were all met with opposition. Bosses would call me a snarky bitch to my face because I started to stand my ground, marriages were called off, when men said I don't even know you anymore, lost friendships, strained family relationships. 

During the Panera (pandemic) of 2020. I was forced to look at some hard truths. I was out of work and just out of relationship that forced me to really look at myself. He would often call me on my decisions, like do you really like that or want that or are you just saying that so we won't argue. He would encourage me to yell and scream when angry, to enforce my boundaries, and grow. He would say why do you work in accounting if you hate it? If you like being an assistant be the best fucking assistant who cares what others say, we know they aren't happy with themselves anyway. He even left corporate and started his own business and is happier for it. We both grew leaps and bounds that year and because of those growing pains that relationship didn't work, but I am better for it and grateful for him. Even now, he is my biggest fan and fully supports me finding myself, get you an ex who roots for your success even if it is in spite of them lol. 

I went back to temp jobs and small clients for the last 2 years to figure out what I really wanted to do. I have dated, had fun, took myself on solo outings and moved. The focus has just been on finding me again. The author of this article decides keeps the mask in her pocket but I have decided to throw mine away as I don't think I need it anymore, because I want what you see to be what you get. I am a girl from Chicago, and I prefer to talk in AAVE (African American Vernacular English). I am smart and I use a large vocabulary with my AAVE, and that doesn't diminish my intelligence because they are not mutually exclusive. I prefer clothes that are different/cool, and threw out my buttoned up, tailored, boring, corporate style. I like my hair free, in afros, twists, and locs, and I have had soooo much fun with it during this Panasonic. I have no desire to get a graduate degree as its too damn expensive and school was traumatic for me. I have a knack for numbers, and much prefer project work to working day in/out as an accountant. I love being an assistant and helping others win. I love art/fashion and will forever work on my art because it is was fuels my soul. I prefer friends who root for my just as much as I root for them. I don't have to explain myself to people, family included, that don't support me. I don't want to live in a mask as it just made me resentful.  I just want to live in my truth and artistry, with my big hoops, bright colors, outspoken voice. 

P.S. I like my eggs over medium with hot sauce by the way.