Why Intelligent Women Fall for Toxic Partners

I saw an article entitled Why Intelligent Women Fall for Toxic Partners, and I had already written this blog about my most toxic of exes and it seemed befitting to address both in this blog. Article can be found here:  https://www.businessinsider.com/why-intelligent-and-high-performing-women-fall-for-toxic-partners-2019-7?fbclid=IwAR0s9jy6IQIRsxmwWagtbn6-I5HyQwvI7OG-WjrBEoh4mUhlmPTPNlcYRZ0

This article brings up 3 major points as to why we tend to fall for toxic partners, which I will address here in. We were all young and dumb but I was a full on idiot for this one toxic guy. I don't need judgment as I have already judged myself. I just want to reflect how I jumped through hoops for a guy who wouldn't have crossed the street for me and how much I have grown. Because it is in these reflective moments we find out what who we really are and what we need to do to grow. As always my reflections are in blue. 

Our story begins about 10 years ago. I only dated him for 3 months, and what a tumultuous 3 months it was. I learned so much about what I will never do again... for anyone.

We will call him Jack for the purposes of this story. Jack and I met on OK Cupid (I know, I know online dating, it and I don't have the best track record). I was out of work and I had an interview in the west loop of Chicago. We met at a bar right under the Green Line El (elevated train) stop for a drink.  He was so handsome. (His pictures did him no justice, he was FOINE. In the words of Will Smith: He looked like some Good God wrapped up in some have mercy with a side of uumph). He was half Italian/half African American. He was 6'5" and deep chocolate complexion. He had hazel eyes with flecks of gold that danced by the candlelight on the table. His hands that looks like they were sculpted by David from clay.

He had a medium build with a nice wide back and strong arms (They looked like he could save me from a fire from one arm.)  I was smitten with the first croons of his deep authoritative voice. Words melted off his lips like honey. Not to mention that perfect white smile. (That kind of voice could command my panties off with just a few words) You get the picture, he was fine sis.... for which I should have known I was in for some bullshit. 

He says he's fresh off a divorce, looking for a wife while piecing his life back together, and apparently he was packing all of that fineness but someone he didn't bring his wallet. (Slaps forehead)

Jack paid for the first round of drinks with the cash he had on hand and then talked me into paying for the next round of drinks. (Again ripe for the bullshit) He asks me to be his girl right then and there. He says why wait we are having this amazing conversation, he think I am fine, he is fine so what else are we looking for. I said it's all so sudden and maybe we need more time. Jack's like time for what? I know what I want and it's you. Again to say it out loud I can see the bullshit but I wasn't listening to myself, it was probably those damn hazel eyes, and he was holding my hand and that deep ass Barry White voice. The article states that toxic men target powerful women, he said I was it for him from the beginning, he knew what he was doing and I fell for it.  At this point I felt like I had won the lottery only for it to be fool's gold.

We all want to be wanted and again I was a fool (Cue Ashanti Song). I agree to his woman, his girl, and we leave the bar. We head to his car. Oh that car... it was missing a back window, a seatbelt, and a headlight (Yes the car had a paper bag window) We head back to my apartment where we just watch movies on the sofa for the next two days. (I know you are wondering, why didn't he have anywhere to be during the week, yes he was out of work too, I told you I was ripe for the bullshit) He said he needed to call his mom so she didn't worry and he asked to borrow my phone. I asked what was wrong with his phone, you see it was a phone he found on the street that he put an old sim card in, so it only works on Wi-fi.(Slaps hand to forehead) (Yes he had other skills, we all know he did, we won't talk about that here) He does get unemployment but the check is going to his mom, as it turns out she had a bad gambling problem. He was putting money on her rent so she could stay in her apartment, because her entire check went to the river boat.  The article goes on to sat that intelligent women are willing to put in the work. In life we are taught that with hard work and perseverence the situation can be made better, why not with a man? The whole family had addiction problems and I was helping them all out with my unemployment. I was willing to not only hear him out, but help him out. He was after all in a rough patch and if I had it then, I gave it.  Only in this instance, it would turn from shit to more shit. 

After about a month of couch surfing, he gets an interview for a sales manager at T-Mobile. I'm so excited for him I get him a bus card and a phone card so he can make the interview. His mom gave me a few dollars towards his bus card. (Yes, yes I know) He's so charming he gets the job on the spot, its all the way in Skokie and he lives in the south burbs so its going to be a trek but its a job! He asks can we crash with me so he can cut his commute in half. I agree, (I mean at this point I am his unemployed sugar momma, SIGH!)There is a problem he snores. It sounds like a lawnmower, mixed with a industrial washer machine, while in a wind tunnel. I'm like you cute and all but you can't stay here once I start working. I soon get a new job, so I can't spare the sleepless nights, so he's back in the south burbs and coming to see me and his moms on the weekend. (Cue one headlight song by Oasis)

Did I forget to mention I had a roommate this whole time? This grown man, Jack is just all up and through our house eating all the snacks. My roommate loved chips and margaritas so I would have some once in a while. One day my roommate comes to me and asks me to chip in on liquor because my dude had consumed all the liquor.  Picture this 6'5 man in just a towel strolling through the crib, snacking on my 5'8 male roommate's chips and drinking his liquor, my roommate sure was not going to confront him. I was in shock. I had no idea he was drinking that and when was he doing it? Because I never saw him drink, except sparingly with me. Turns out, when I was alseep, he was drinking anything that wasn't nailed down. He drank the mouthwash, the rubbing alcohol, anthing that resembled liquor... and all while being functional... at least at first.

I decide to stop buying liquor, because maybe if I don't have it he will slow down. (Here I go thinking I could change someone with hard work and preseverance again) He does for a while. In that time, we decided to get phones through his job and get a joint phone plan thinking it will save us both some money (I was committed to the crazy, I still have that phone line it's just now on my external internet jack) Jack was trying, and I was giving so long as he was trying. He would come pick me up from work on his days off in that freezing cold green car with one headlight. (I'm sorry I can picture that busted green Buick in my head, I will leave the headlight alone) One day he asks me to get something from his bag and that's when I see it. A big plastic bottle of vodka, you know the kind we got in college that is used to get the paint off cars but not actually to drink... yeah that one. I confront him about it, asking him if he was slowing down on his drinking. He said I did, around you. (This man is drinking rubbing alcohol straight no chaser, Houston we been had a problem, now we have a closeted alcoholic)

A couple days later, I get an alert on my American Express card! It is being used at a bus station in Skokie. I'm like nah, couldn't be. Could it? I confront him about it and he's like oh I hadn't gotten paid and I have a photographic memory so that one time I saw you use it I memorized the numbers. I immediatey cancel the card and get a new once. Did I leave him after the card theft? Of course not! What kind of storyteller would I be if I left after the first sign of alcoholism and fraud.  One point the article brings up is that the sex lives of toxic men are blinding. The article says " if a relationship starts off as a loving, mutually beneficial and growth-oriented one, it's difficult to admit it when that relationship takes a sour turn (especially for strong-headed women who tend to be fixers). Toss satisfying sex into the mix, which builds chemistry, and an unhealthy relationship can quickly become a toxic one." When I tell you to have someone so giving in the bedroom when most partners are so selfish had me blinded to the toxicity. Toxic men want someone "steady and strong" to take care of them. I was down and out and I didn't want him to fall too, despite the alcoholism and the credit card theft so I helped him suceed at every turn even if it cost me my good name and my credit. 

As a reward for my new job, and an apology for stealing my card number,  he wanted to take me on a mini vacation. (I remember polling my Facebook friends about where he might be taking me, we thought a Sybaris) We drive out to the Ambiance, where in his drunkenness he had forgotten to book a room. We managed to stay for 2 hours but afterward that nap, me, him, and his jug of vodka went to a 24 hour diner for a burger and then proceeded to spend the night at a red roof inn. (I was really trying to convince myself this sham of a relationship was going to work, but at this point I had nothing left to give. I am at a motel, with people fighting, dogs barking, cars getting broken into with a drunk man and some cheap lingerie. It was an eye-opening moment for me, for anyone. I decided that I was done.) We get back from the mini vacation and I ask for some time to myself. I am just over it all. Jack calls a week later to say he has promised to drive me to the grocery story, and he would be coming over even if I wasn't talking to him.

He arrives and he is drunk drunk, slurring his words, dirty clothes, and smells like old cheap vodka and mouthwash. He is not handling me not talking to him well and he has gone on a drinking bender. I tell him that I refuse to get in the car with him because he is drunk.  I say that I value my life and I am disappointed that he drove in this condition. He attempts to pick me up carry me out to the car. I scream and kick my way down, and run back to the house and slam the door. Some hours pass and my roommate comes home. He's like oh Jack came by huh? I said how did you know? He said he's still here and he's passed out on the front lawn. He's half in/half out his car. (Well at least he didn't drive). I'm like fuck well I don't want to leave him out there so I go downstairs. and proceed to carry this 6'5 280 pound man piggy back up 2 flights of stairs to my apartment. I let him sleep it off on the sun porch. (Why did I go get him, well at the time I lived in South Shore and cops would circle, I didn't want the idiot going to jail, I just wanted him not to drive)

Jack was sleep for 2 days. Literally didn't even move , not even to pee for 2 days. My roommate sticks his head out of his room, shakes his head, and is like oh you know you are mopping that floor when he leaves. LOL Jerk! Jack finally wakes up, goes to pee, and asks what's to eat.  I kindly escort Jack to the door, tell him to go home, and I never want to see him again and I block his number. 

Then I realize SHIT! I have to get him to pay that joint phone bill! (Stupid stupid stupid) I proceed to Verizon, explain the situation. The black dude at the desk takes pity on me. He scolds me for getting a phone line with an idiot and was like never do this shit again, but I got you. He converts both phone lines, reports Jack's phone as stolen unrecoverable property and converts that line to an iPad. (Did I mention he ran up a $400 phone bill which is why I reported it stolen and so I didn't have to pay it)

Fast-forward 2 years later. I get a message on Facebook from Jack. He is sober.  After losing his job by showing up drunk, and realizing he wasn't over his divorce, he went to rehab. He asks me out for a coffee. I go. This fool  was clean looked good but was tipsy! He had tthe nerve to have Kahlua in his coffee! He's like no, no it's different. I know how to manage my drinking now. He asks me to a movie, we walk to the box office.  In line when going to pay he tells me he forgot his wallet, but if I can just get the movie this one time we would make it up to me. I leave him standing at the box office because fool me once, shame on you, but I ain't never been fooled twice. 

This article hit home. I'm exhausted having to relive that 3 months of terror. Why was I so convinced he was for me even through all signs, flags, and referees were yelling NOOOOOO? I think he caught me at the right time and right place. I had just gotten out of a situationship where I couln't get a certain man to claim me and here was one willing to from day one and all it required was some great sex and a few bus cards. LOL It's stupid! We shouldn't have to work that hard for affection. If a man is that comfortale to be in your pockets that fast, that is where he will stay! No amount of great sex is worth all this. Yes, there are those world wind romances, like you know from the first moment that it was him but this was not that. From the first moment he wanted somewhere to stay and someone to love him since his ex-wife wasn't going to and he drank all my good mouthwash. UGH! 

I was smitten with his smooth demeanor and gorgeous looks, but thankfully I got out of his spell, regained my senses, and my phone line after only 3 months. Can you imagine if I had stayed with that man? He would have drank me out of house, home, and bank account. 

We can all laugh at my mistakes but when have you done something you know you shouldn't have? 

Been with someone that was all wrong for you? Stayed too long because of the sex?

Attact men that are toxic? Gave too much? Worked too hard to make it work?

How much did it cost you? Sanity? Money? Your good mouthwash? 

How long did it take you to realize that the person place or thing you wanted just so bad... just wasn't for you?

We have all been there, my life just has an interesting way of going the extra mile to show me the error of my ways. Maybe I need the lesson reinforced to really get the message. 

Maybe you do too.