We are taking a break from Part 3 of my last blog to talk about narcissists and sociopaths and how to recognize one. I wrote a letter to Derrick Jaxn's wife and I hope it find you in good company.
Dear
Mrs. Jaxn. I have been where you are, and I hope you read this and make it out safely. Narcissists feed on your insecurities to make you dependent on them.
They sometimes use religion and standard societal practices to make you feel
crazy for not falling in line. I was there and I got out and I hope you do too.
My
story starts in 2016. I started dating a man, a man heavily involved with the
church. A little back story, I was not in a good place when I met him. I
had just lost what I thought was my dream job, and I was depressed and sad. We were
old friends, and he asked me out to lunch after seeing on social media that I
was out of work. He was just to apt to listen to all I was going through, I
thought he was sent from God. We started talking, and all he wanted to do
was learn about me. He even said he was sent by God to help me out of my slump and I
was in a place to believe him.
He
was constantly trying to talk to me, get me back in the church, encouraging me to dress differently and change my attitudes about life. I see now he was grooming
me. We were about a month into our relationship when the first woman came to me
as a woman to tell me he was her man. I was quick to defend him and turn her
away. You need to take that up with him. I did ask him about it and he wrote it
off as she was an old friend who was emotionally unstable. He would handle
it. He kept saying he was all in with me.
He
would sent me a emotional charts and scales to write how I was feeling daily. He
wanted at least 3 emotions every day and for me to dress in a way that reflected my
emotions. Looking back, I realize now he was using my fragile emotional state
to make me feel even lower.
Fast
forward, to about five months into our relationship and I had gotten a part time job to make ends
meet. I was supporting us both, paying for groceries, putting gas in his
car, I even got him winter boots because his shoes had holes. He wasn't living with me but he might as well have been. He had one job,
to take me to work and pick me up from work. Well one day, I got off my shift at my usual time and went to
the lobby where I expected to see him and he wasn’t there. All my calls were
going to voicemail, and he was MIA. I had to take the train home. A few hours
later he returns my many calls and voicemails and he apologizes saying oh I fell asleep. I am so sorry,
but maybe God wanted you to take the train, maybe there was something in that
ride for you since I wasn’t there. Usually I would let it go, but something in my spirit told me he was lying. He was up to something
that I couldn’t yet prove. I decided to hold on to that little crumb for later.
Six months into our relationship, after the train incident, my birthday came around. He talked about taking me to see
my favorite artist. I spend weeks and lots money getting ready for the big event. I ordered
new everything. I’m talking a new dress, new shoes, and I got my hair done.
Weirdly enough while I was getting ready, he was MIA and my friends, who were helping me get ready reassured me
that he was probably just getting ready. About 2 hours before showtime, he
called and asked me would I be disappointed if we didn’t go. He said the money
he was expecting didn’t come through. My first instinct wasn't to be upset, my friend even said to just let it go. But it was my birthday dammit, and my favorite artist. I deserved to celebrate! I
said that I would absolutely be upset. I said, in-fact if you cancel my
birthday, we are good on us. He hangs up and I sit and wait. Miraculously, he
shows up to my house dressed with tickets to the show about 30 minutes before
showtime. We go. I am dancing and singing while filming and he is ducking and
dodging my camera like the Matrix. I’m like it’s my birthday why won’t you take
a picture with me and he’s like oh I don’t like pics of myself. But you do you.
He even reported the pic of him in the background on my social media. I again hold on to that little crumb for later.
Side
note: all the while this is going on my health is deteriorating. I don’t have
health insurance. I have been wheezing for months. I am living off a rescue
inhaler. He telling me that if I prayed more and believed in why he was sent
into my life, I would be feeling better. Because I am acting funny, God is
making me sick. He then purchases a pet that I am allergic to, and my wheezing
gets worse. He keeps insisting that it’s my lack of belief in God that is making me
ill. When I finally did make it to the doctor my health was really bad. My asthma had
turned into pneumonia in both lungs, and thankfully with a medication regimen I
was able to return somewhat back to normal, but I will be on meds for the rest of my life.
Towards
the end of our relationship, about a year in, I get a full-time job offer. I’m so excited, as it
is something I have always wanted to do and of course Health Insurance! He’s not happy. He
tells me that this is beneath me and if I was any kind of real woman I would stay
part-time employed. Because as he says "hustle feeds the soul." He doesn’t have health insurance and is just fine so, why do
I need it. What I need is to follow him and get closer to God. He then tell his
mom about my work decision. She calls me to express her opinions of me working
a regular job and any women that is going to be with her son should be a
hustler.
My
first day of work was a training meeting. It was in a far Chicago suburb,
literally the end of the Eden’s expressway. I don't drive so I relied on him to
give me ride. I go through the day, and he’s acting as if everything is
normal. I get out and his phone is off. He's MIA again. I had to find my
way home from the middle of nowhere. I had to pay a $20 Uber to the blue line
and then spend an hour and a half commuting across the city to my
apartment.
This
time he didn't call to apologize or give an lame excuse; he stayed gone. Days
passed and I didn't hear from him. I’m calling and checking his social media
and there is nothing. I show up to his church on Sunday to look for him. I’m
worried something may have happened but there he is, perfectly fine. I walk up
to him and ask him where he is been, he tells me I am crazy for showing up to
look for him and if I was any kind of Godly woman I would have known in my
heart where he was and that he was okay. He tells me that was off becoming
closer to God and since I wanted to be closer to the machine, I couldn't
hear God's voice. ENOUGH! I broke up with him. Do you know a week later he
called to apologize to try to convince me that it’s not over. When it didn't
work, he hung up on me and said he broke up with me.
I was hurt at how he could be so cold after he said he would always be there for me. I cried for a few weeks. I just didn’t understand what me getting a job had to do with us being over. Looking back, I realize it was because when I was hustling he could control my schedule: where I was, what time I was done, where to meet him but, and he could control my wardrobe as well as who I interacted with but with my own job and aspirations, I would be out of his reach and he didn’t like that. Fast forward a year later. An old friend to him, reatively new friend to me sends me a post from ex's page. People are wishing him a Happy Father’s Day for his 2 kids. Who were 1 and 2. If you count back the months, they were conceived during his disappearing acts.
I saw all this to say. I have dealt with a narcissist/sociopath and I had
them use the church for their manipulation. He preyed on my lack of self-esteem
and beliefs about pleasing your man and going against God's will. The only way
to remove a narcissist's hold is to remove yourself from the situation. I hope
Mrs. Jaxn one day you can see the manipulation, the lies, and inconsistencies
and get the help you need. I’m glad I did.
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