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I'm a fraud and this is why

I am a fraud because I act like everything okay and it isn't. 

Sometimes I was down during this pandemic and that's when my darkest inner voice was the loudest. It was in those times that I struggled to realize that I was just down for a moment but not completely out. I think I am a fraud somedays because how can I portray this happy individual on the internet when I am not always happy. Don't get me wrong there were good days mixed in with bad days but there were a lot of bad days to get here. In order to find what I thought was the goodness, I attempted to cope in unhealthy ways.  I have tried the following:

At first I drank it away. When I ran out of drinks I knew how to make, I made the ones I saw on tv. Eventually, I bored myself with alcohol. 

I attempted to sex it away, but when you don't feel anything for the individual, the sex isn't enjoyable. All I did was feel more nothingness.

I played with my hair. I had braids, cornrows, locs, twists, wigs, straight hair, braid outs, twist outs, straight hair, I even gave myself at home haircuts.... I have moments where I still play with my hair but it didn't make me feel any better.

I tried to clean the pain away. I bleached everything, cabinets, floors, bathrooms, doorknobs. All I did was get bleach burn on my hands but I was still down and scared. 

I tried to yoga and meditate the pain away. I sat with my thoughts and meditated and all I did was cry, and feel more sadness.

I tried to shop the pain away. I bought all the clothes. ALL THE CLOTHES. I had mini fashion shows in my living room. All that got me was a negative balance in my bank account and too many clothes to wear or get rid of.

I tried to work it away. All it did was provide me with more money to shop which didn't make me feel any better.

I tried to sleep it away. But then I just gained weight and sleep became harder the more I thought about the pandemic and then panic set in. 

I tried to watch it away. I think I reached the end of Netflix and with bags under my eyes and no chips left, I realized that tv didn't fulfill me either.

I tried to masturbate it away. And that just made me even sadder. You ever cry while watching Pornhub, do not recommend. 

I tried to sing it away. I pulled out every sad playlist I had. I figured if I didn't cry real tears the song tears would hurt less.

I tried to run away. I gave away everything I owned and moved halfway across the country. I realized the nothingness still followed me.

I tried ignoring my mom, that wasn't for the pandemic she just knows how to work a nerve like no one else, and when you are down why add to it. 

I have realized something, I didn't know who I was anymore. I didn't know what I was doing anymore. I didn't know what was holding me back from feeling whole again, and maybe I still don't. I know I am not alone. I had reached a wall and there are days I am still at that wall.  Loneliness and nothingness are hard to get over. It wasn't the solitude, I know how to be by myself but this is different. When there is nothing in the world going on but yourself that's where the breaks from reality begin. There was no parties, no bars, no people to help me to forget why I felt I was failing at life and I just had to sit with that failure. I have cried rivers of tears over this last year. 

I am unemployed right now. So when you are someone like me who defines yourself by what you do and what service you can provide to others, who are you now? I had to find an answer.

I have slowly been reinventing myself, and it helps to quiet the sadness. I have an amazing network of people in my corner that want to see me win. This blog is my attempt at healing what is broken and maybe my words will help someone else on a similar journey. I am still me without an title, without my worldly possessions, I am still me even in the solitude. 

Even though some days it felt like I didn't have a way in this world, and the days were all too heavy to bear, I kept fighting. Now-a-days, I most look forward to my posts, it gives me something to work on and look forward to, because each day is a battle and who says I need to win the war just yet. 

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