It's been a long time... I shouldn't have left you

...without some dope beats to step to. step to. step to. a step to. (Wicky Wicky)

Okay Okay.. enough with the Aaliyah lyrics. I took a break for a week.

 and then a week turned into a month 

and then a month turned into 6 months. 

(hangs head in shame) 

Well, hello again! 

I hope you are great. 
I hope your ass is great. 
I hope the family is great. 
I hope everything is great.

Truth be told, all those many months ago I was working through some emotions, and feelings. This blog became a place for me to heal and once I had worked through those emotions, I couldn't figure out what to write about. So Oops... my bad!

Let me think, what's new with me.

Well, I'm still in Arizona, The bugs are getting larger and the mosquitos have no chill.

I am look for my next adventure, probably first quarter of 2022.

I went back to Corporate America. I didn't quit entrepreneurship entirely but I needed some stability and job security while the rest of my life changing so rapidly. Plus, how can I be mad at a check that has afforded me a comfortable lifestyle and arrives faithfully every 2 weeks. 

I took a 4 month hiatus from social media... which truth be told is still going on as I have yet to reinstall social media on my phone. So unless I get an email alert or you are one of my close friends that sends me messages, I have no idea what is happening in the world and its great!

Hmmm, I started on anti-depressants. I should have done this years ago! As we know there is a huge stigma around mental health in the black community and it took me talking to a great friend (who is also a psychologist) to realize that the storm cloud over my life wasn't normal and could be helped. For the longest time and especially in the days of this Panini it honestly felt like my brain was foggy. I have had no short term memory for a few years, which has cost me friendships, relationships and job opportunities.  My head has felt heavy. I was filled with sadness all the time. It was a fight to just continue to be here. I thought maybe it was brain tumor, and I was like whelp if its my time it's my time because I have no more left to give.

It all changed one morning. It was honestly a day back in June. 

Nothing particularly amazing happened that day.

I woke up and just decided my life couldn't get worse so why not put an honest effort into making it better and if it didn't work out, I could go back to my suicidal ideology. 

I started by setting a wake-up time. I made my bed. I ate healthy meals. I went for long walks and I started to really look for work. Not just whatever was out here but jobs I was qualified for that I really wanted to do. I put out feelers and I called old contacts. I paid out of my meager pockets for a new resume and an interview suit. After but a few weeks of maintaining a routine,  my luck changed. I literally had 9 interviews within the span of a week. I ended up with multiple offers and took a job I genuinely enjoy.

I will not say work was the easiest the first few weeks, after all I had no short term memory. You know how hard it is to learn a new job when you cant retain more than 30 seconds of information. I recorded every conversation and wrote everything down. My boss just thought I was super diligent and on top of it when in reality I was fearful of making a mistake. I offered to write up work instructions, because it helped me remember the processes when she assumed I was going above and beyond. 

Funny right!

The best perk, that job afforded me good insurance. I called around until I found a psychologist (A black one) because no one knows my struggles like someone who looks like me. She validated everything I had been feeling and told me I was clinically depressed with anxiety. She said it was probably genetic given my family history and I could feel better with some therapy and some anti-depressants. I took a chance on what she was telling me, I mean I couldn't feel any worse. 

When I tell you I have never felt better in my whole life! It took a few weeks but I have never felt more like myself since shit... maybe 2005. 

It's life changing to know I am okay.

To know the fog has lifted.

To know it wasn't a brain tumor but depression that has held me back.

To know that I am not broken.

To know that things can upset me and I won't spiral .

To know that I can actually cuss people out and mean it! 

(Don't get it twisted, I am still me. Try Jesus, not me. I throw hands....)

To not replay the conversation in my head 4 million times and apologize for things I didn't do wrong. just to avoid making myself sad. 

IT'S M.F. LIBERATING.

I say all this to say, if you need help please take me as the example and get the help you need. This Prosciutto has been hard. I knew that no one was coming to save me, so I had to save myself! I am so glad I decided to give it one more try because I'm back and I am okay. I am actually better than okay, I'm really good.

Now all I have to do is get over this anxiety of people coughing on me on airplanes and I'll be back in business stalking your sons, dads, uncles and grand dads (don't think I missed some of those photos on fathers day, I saved them to my phone as a just in case.)

baby steps, Krystal baby steps.

:)