Trauma Porn

 I Have Grown Tired of Sharing my Messy Diatribes as I Felt at Some Point I Felt the Energy Changed from Laughing with Me to Laughing at Me. 

I am not someone who particularly cares what people think, or so I thought. What you think about me is actually none of my business. I do however use what people say to me to know if I like how I presenting myself.  Is this how I want people to talk about me when they are not in my presense? Is this how I want to be portrayed? Is what I am putting out is reflecting back to me in the way I intend?

The answers were honestly no. People have stated on more than one occasion "I get sad when you are in a healthy relationship, like what am I going to read. and I miss you being messy and just ruthless." 

My response is usually so don't want to see me happy? And they always respond, "No, No! You are entitled to your happy, I just enjoy you most when you are unhappy."

I had to sit with that for a while. Some people weren't rooting for me to win anymore, or maybe they never were, so I need to change that narrative. My friend once said to me, Krysty always has a story, do you always want to be the girl with the story? We all make mistakes, I have made quite a few in my dating life, but do I want to know by the mistakes I've made?

We as a society have been fixated on trauma. We like to hear the bad, so we can say, oh glad its not me. Oh, my life is okay because i'm not going through none of that shit. Sorry your life is so damn messy sis. People don't want to get involved but they will judge and watch. I said in one of my posts, those that give light also need it. I felt like people were taking light but I wasn't being poured back into.

At the end of the day the fault lies with me. I created a culture around myself being the person who always had something outlandish to say or share.  As people share more and more on social media for likes and I became one of those people looking for some sort of approval that I wasn't getting in my relationships at home. In turn, I shared my stories and didn't receive love in return, and it started a cycle. I have decided to change the narrative starting with how I shared last week.  I will share the lessons, the hard truths, the returns to glory with my bad moments and maybe just maybe this will be a blog less about my trauma shares and more about my growing up.  Finally.

Does that mean, I'll never share a bad date or bad work story? No, no, not at all. Does that mean this blog will all be fluff pieces about fashion? No, no not at all. I am complicated individual and I expect my blogs to be just as complicated. After all, shit happens and sometimes it's just downright hilarious and a story needs to be told. You will still get the good, the bad, the fashionable, the sad, the funny, and the ugly just through some newly established boundaries. I will be more calculated and cautious how I share because I learned the hard way everyone isn't rooting for you and some take joy in seeing you fail.